Have you ever wondered what the hell you are doing with the life you’ve been given? And why does it seem “HARD”; even a bit pointless. I have wondered for the better part of 50 years…still do. Thank god the mud is settling and the water is beginning to clear.
1974 high school is ending and I am certain of a ‘calling’ and feel a clear leading into a life of surrender, courageous adventure and service. Men of this same ilk, Hudson Taylor, George Mueller, Teresa of Avala, St Francis of Assisi, Lao Tsu, Ganhdi, and of course Jesus were sources of inspiration. Each lived out loud and found God/The Universe abundant in its provision as they received all they needed and freely gave. These all, were devoted to being of sources of light, caring for their fellows and loving God as he/she expressed itself within them.
Somewhere along life’s path I became the fulfillment of my mothers prophetic words…”Greg of all my children you are the most selfish”. Holy shit mom, where the hell did that come from? What did you see in the early formidable years of my young adult life. My mothers words came on the heels of me describing my new career in financial services. I was proud and excited. She listened for a time and then said “I am concerned for you”. I responded, “Mom you don’t have to worry, I will do just fine. You and dad have taught me a powerful work ethic and I will be successful.” She returned with, “That’s not what concerns me Greg. I am afraid you will become very successful and as you do your heart will grow cold…because of all my children…”
Little did I know I would begin the slippery slide into a realm of cold hearted self obsession which ultimately lead to alcoholism and addiction. To say I lost my way is like saying a second heart transplant is an unpleasant way to spend a Tuesday morning.
In the mystery of time and space, however, things sometimes transform. They often do…if we are willing. Even slightly. And in my experience the willingness has come upon awakening from a cold sweat inducing nightmare. A nightmare that consumed both waking and sleeping hours for the better part of 2 decades. A nightmare that had the effect of a cosmic ‘black hole’, sucking me and those within my orbit into its implosion.
HOWEVER as the wisdom books say “But GOD”….or “Be Still and Know” or “The master owns nothing and therefore has EVERYTHiNG”. As the bottom was falling out of this man’s life ‘something’ happened. The bottom that had given way to what felt like a death, “THE END” alchemized into a Genisus…a beginning…a birth. And with births the emerging creature ain’t all that pretty. Ain’t pretty at ALL. I ain’t all that pretty. But the beginning has brought with it a new love for YOU; mainly because I’ve been falling in love with the creation that I am and get to become. A body of literature I am a student of says “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Self seeking will slip away and we will care for our fellows. We will intuitively know things which used to baffle us. Are these extravagant promises???” To which I always respond “HELL YES”. But then again LIFE is extravagantly, extraordinarily exquisite.
It’s taken courage but I am blessed with a ‘tribe’ that walk with me, teach me, and assist me in seeing blind spots. A recent teacher of mine says “the obstacle IS the way”. The obstacles of 3 failed marriages, years of active addiction, bankruptcy, relationships that were blown out of my orbit and no longer exist in a fashion that I ache for them to. How the hell do these become “THE WAY”?….more to come…
In the mean-time; Party On and be excellent to each other (Bill & Ted)